


Pinky-Promises

by neilnordegraf



Category: Scott Pilgrim - All Media Types
Genre: BPD, Mental Illness, Other, Suicide mention, horribly depressing at first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 14:11:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5420033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neilnordegraf/pseuds/neilnordegraf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Young Neil is borderline and can't handle his best friend having other friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pinky-Promises

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty rough but I had to get it out. I know others might not agree with my ideas about the characters but to be honest I don't give a flying rats ass

His clothes are wrinkled and a little smelly. He wore them the night before.

When he enters the living room, his roommate doesn't say anything, just gives him a glance and a half-assed greeting, then back to his guitar and the song he wrote for no one in particular – or at least that's what he said.

He starts the day with strong coffee and a dose of Xanax.

Every day has been similar to this.

Wake up, coffee, painkillers, maybe a joint or two, video games, and no texts or calls or IM's from anyone else.

He thinks about when he mattered.

Now he only matters to Princess Peach.

 

He loves to listen to his roommate play the guitar, but his roommate is never home anymore. He's always out at Joseph's house, _recording,_ he says, but don't most bands record _and_ play shows?

Something is fishy about that whole relationship, he thinks, but it's not like that matters at all. It's not like anything he thinks matters at all.

 

Knives texts him at 7:32 PM on Wednesday night. Shouldn't she be studying or something?

She asks where he's been, and if he hates her for breaking up with him. He replies no, that she didn't do anything wrong, and that he just thinks he needs to be alone for awhile.

He lied. He hates being alone.

 

Scott has one more problem on the never-ending list, and Knives is becoming infinitely more intimidating and badass, and Stephen is spending more and more time at Kim and Joseph's place, but Kim keeps mentioning her parents up north, and he is dying on the inside.

He's playing it like he's just an angsty kid.

He's just tired of being alone, and he's angry at his friends for leaving him like this.

 

He texts his sister after a particularly bad night alone. She says she loves him, and that she'll come see him as soon as she can, and that he just needs to hold on. He thinks, _I don't know how long I can hold on_.

Maybe it's worth it to hold on for Steph, though. She's really a great big sister.

 

School has never been that interesting, but he's growing more and more frustrated with the way professors talk to him, and he's starting to think about dropping out, but he's never been a quitter. _I've gotten this far. Only one year left._

He comes home and gets high, usually.

He's started changing his clothes mid-day, because he usually sleeps until the afternoon. He drinks massive amounts of coffee and smokes too many cigarettes and never cries about anything, and that's horrible because he's always been an emotional guy.

Stephen never really plays anymore – only late at night, singing some song he wrote for No One In Particular, who is seeming to be an important character in his life, until Neil throws something at their shared wall to tell him to knock it off, or else he's getting hemorrhoid cream in his toothpaste again.

And sometimes Stephen never comes home at all, and never tells Neil that he's going to stay out, so Neil waits in the living room, tapping away at his DS, until it's three in the morning and his eyes are heavy and his heart has already dropped as far as it'll go.

_Maybe he'll come home in the morning,_  he thinks, but Stephen stays out until he gets off work. He comes in, nods vaguely in Neil's direction, and saunters up to his room, where he stays.

It's getting really old.

 

Neil still occasionally hangs out with Knives or Kim, but it's never anything special. Kim doesn't hate him, because he's quiet and kind of scared of her, but she doesn't really like him or anything. She says that she needs time away from Stephen and Joseph and Hollie altogether. Knives is too loud and has started drinking beer and can't hold her liquor for shit, and she always hits on him when she's drunk, and he always ends up sending her to bed because he may be an asshole, but he's not going to sleep with a young, drunk girl, no matter how long it's been since he's gotten any.

He and Kim get really drunk on a Friday night when Neil is feeling particularly horrible, and one thing leads to another, as it often goes, and they find themselves under Neil's covers, out of breath, with Weezer playing over his stereo, and Neil just feels so _empty._

“Thanks,” Kim tells him, but never smiles. She has the prettiest smile, and he wishes he could cause that smile.

He doesn't say anything.

Kim lets him do that.

 

Since he started doing this, he's just gotten lonelier.

He goes to a club to pick someone up and takes them back to their place for a measley twenty minutes of not feeling alone, and leaves before morning comes, and they never call him, and he never calls them. It makes him feel horrible.

Sometimes, he goes to the bathroom and cries afterward.

That's the only time he really feels things, anymore.

 

When Stephen _finally_ comes out of the closet, Neil is not surprised a bit. “I could have told you that,” He says, and Stephen gets angry. Stephen is never _really_ angry.

“Why are you being a such a bitch all the time?!” He shouts, and it makes Neil jump. “You never used to be like this. What the fuck is your deal?”

Neil thinks for a long time.

Covering his face, he whimpers, “I don't know. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.”

Stephen stays silent, but Neil can hear him move toward him, and a hand rests on his shoulder.

Neil pushes his hair out of his face, revealing the rare sight of his forehead and furrowed eyebrows and the scar from the eyebrow piercing he got in grade seven. “I just feel so alone,” he manages to push out of himself.

Stephen sighs. “... You're not alone, though.”

“Then why do you ignore me?”

Neil stares at Stephen, and Stephen stares back. The former is barely holding back the urge to punch the latter in the gut, mostly because Stephen is more than twice Neil's size.

“I'm not trying to ignore you, Neil, I swear. I just... I get so caught up in stuff-”

“Which you never _talk_ to me about. Do you know what hell that is? Living with someone and knowing nothing about them?”

Stephen laughs dryly, with a half grin and a tongue pressed up against the back of his teeth. “I _do_ have my own life, Neil.”

“I know!” Neil shouts, loud and desperate, throwing his arms up into the air, “I know you have your own life! I... I just want to be a _part_ of it.”

There's a long silence, and Neil isn't facing Stephen anymore, he's staring into the less-than-interesting stove-top, and Stephen sighs, way too softly.

Neil doesn't let Stephen say anything. He just runs up to his room and throws some stupid album into the stereo and sits on his bed, lighting a cigarette, and never turning on the light. Stephen follows him, slowly, quietly. He doesn't slam the door open the way that Neil did, and he just stands in the doorway. Neil stares out the window.

“Neil,” Stephen nearly whispers, “... do you remember high school?”

Silence. Not even a nod.

“Do you remember... when I took you to your first party, and your sister told you, _'don't do anything I would do,'_ and you didn't kiss any girls, and you didn't drink any beer, but you did eat a pot brownie when Joel offered it to you. Do you remember that?”

Neil kind of laughs. Only a little, because he got so high that night that he was kicking it with the moon.

“Do you remember what happened?”

More silence, for an awkward, long time, before Neil turns just the slightest, with a tiny, “yeah.”

“Yeah. You said something like,  _'I hate pudding. It's what they fed me when I was in the hospital.'_ And I asked you why you were in the hospital, and you told me, so nonchalantly, _'Oh, I tried to kill myself last October.'_ And Joel and I were the only ones in the room, and we were mortified.”

Neil nods.

“I remember, Joel asked you how you were, after that, and you said that you just really wanted some gelato, so he went to get you some. And then you and I were alone, and I... I asked you if you have any friends, besides your sister and me.”

A tiny sigh, and Neil flicks the ashes of his cigarette into the heart-shaped ashtray on his windowsill.

“You said no, remember? It was so sad and small. You made me feel like the weight of the world was on your shoulders, and you were all alone.”

More silence, and Stephen comes into Neil's room and sits on his bed. “Do you remember what I told you that night?”

Neil refuses to look at him.

“I told you, _'You're never alone. And if you feel like you are - I promise that I will always be your friend. No matter what we go through.'_ Do you remember that?” Neil nods. “And you said-”

“... Pinky-promise?” Neil interrupts, tiny and scared and so, so quiet, sticking out his little finger in Stephen's direction.

“And I pinky-promised you. Neil, have I ever broken a promise to you?” Stephen puts a hand on Neil's shoulder, rubbing so comfortingly, and holds onto Neil's pinky with his own.

“... No, I guess not.”

“Why would I start now?”

Neil shrugs, and Stephen pulls him so that his head is resting on Stephen's shoulder, and Neil smiles for the first time in what seems like decades.

Stephen sighs. “I know that you're concerned about my relationship with Joseph. And yeah, there's kind of something there, but that doesn't mean you don't matter to me, okay?”

Neil nods again.

“I mean... Joseph is really, really important to me, but no boy or girl or anyone is going to get between us, alright? We're best friends. You're like a brother to me. I promised Steph that I'd take care of you, and I don't intend to break that promise. You're the closest to a son I'm ever going to have, probably.” He strokes Neil's unwashed hair, and it's sort of gross, but that's okay.

He kisses Neil on the forehead. “I love you, little guy.”

“I love you too. No homo.”

 


End file.
